harimaya | Jigoku: inbox

(It isn't so much the tolerance that Hizen is getting at but how they co-exist. Even if they tolerate each other and live together, they'll never be able to interact the same way humans would with other humans. Or the way other spirits would interact with spirits. They'll always perceive each other through their own experiences and that, in turn, will shift their interactions.

Shylock, however, has touched on a difficult subject and it's very clear. His shoulders drop, he looks down, and his hands, wrapped around his cup, tense. Quietly,)

I dunno.

(And even quieter,)

He told me to beat it. No one's seen him since.

[ shylock looks up, immediately concerned. careful, careful... ]

Why did he say so?

(If he could make himself smaller, he would. All he can do is keep his head down and slouch a little more in his chair,)

... I couldn't do anything. (He couldn't help him. Couldn't keep him safe. Couldn't be relied on. Couldn't be good enough. Couldn't--) ... Didn't want me.

(That isn't what he said but it's how it felt and that, especially, stings.)

[ shylock is silent for a while, lets that sink in for a moment. ]

...Did he say that? That he didn't want you.

[ there's usually more to it than that. ]

(No, he didn't. Yes, he might as well have. He doesn't reply right away; too focused on replaying that moment in his head, trying to filter through his own perceptions but failing.)

Didn't want me around. Even when I said I wanted t'stay...

Neither of 'em... wanted to listen to me...

(A second character enters the story.)

[ he blinks in mild surprise. didn't hizen say he only has one master?

--did he? ]

Who else is there...?

[ dammit. of all the times he didn't bring along wine...?! ]

Ryouma. (He isn't in the mood to be cagey and he trusts Shylock. He likes him.) The one who gave me to Izo.

When I tried to help him too... he didn't want it. .... Never wanted me anwyay.

(His whole perspective of things is skewed. He sees everything through a worn filter. He was sent off by one master and the other told him to be quiet. Even if they had their reasons, even if he knows they weren't being themselves, it still sticks him at him like needles, picking at old scars.)

[ names: ryouma and izou. they don't ring any bells for him now, but...

well. the tea has cooled off enough, and shylock will take this moment to take a sip. it's refreshing, but the mood is anything but. it's all right though -- he chose to visit him in the first place, no matter what disposition hizen was in. shylock didn't believe that he was all right in the first place, but this was... a lot. ]

Last month took a toll in everyone's minds. You know this.

[ but at the same time, it was also shylock who told him that he was loved by his master in life. what happened now?

he closes his eyes as he carefully chooses his words. ]

They must've had their reasons, but it could not have hurt them to tell you. Although it could be that it must have hurt telling you to stay away, too.

[ but he could be playing devil's advocate, as he always has. ]

("You know this." He knows this. After he'd removed himself and thrown himself into the rain to fight any sort of distraction he could find, he'd told himself this. Still, it only takes one moment to bring things down. He has anxieties that have been with him from the moment he manifested. He'd learned to ignore them and find ways to prove them wrong.

If he was strong
If he listened
If he did what he was told
If he even did the dirty work
If he did everything no one else wanted to do
If he was useful
If he tried to be good

Then he would be valued. Wanted.

And the rain had washed it away. His own hopes turned against him. He slides one, two, three steps back and he relearns his place again. )

Doesn't matter. (He takes a breath, a long, tired sigh, and reaches to take a piece of candy. Unwrapping it and popping it into his mouth. He isn't really hungry but if he does something, he can fill some of his hollowness. ) 'S all in the past now.

(Things that can't be taken back. Things that have to be lived with. )

Just gotta deal with it.

[ must be rough being a weapon all his life only to be given a corporeal form with corporeal feelings, huh.

shylock only watches him over the rim of his cup, observing, also mulling on what to say. now hizen reminds him of a cat abandoned by both his owners... ]

It doesn't have to be. For you are a relic of the past as well.

[ shylock would know. ]

Did you truly want everything to go back to the way it used to be?

(Shylock u do not even know the overwhelming weight of having humanity forced onto you is........

He sucks on the candy, letting it melt on his tongue and keeps quiet,)

... No. (A sip of tea,) I just...

(Voice trailing. No, he isn't going to finish it.)

[ a gentle smile graces shylock's features as he shakes his head. ]

Talk to them, Hizen. You are given a corporeal form for a reason.

[ he takes a sip of his tea once more, relishing the easy quiet between them despite the somber topic. ]

Be angry about it if you have to.

I'm not angry.

(He isn't. It would be easier if he was angry, he thinks. Instead he just feels... He raises one hand to his chest and taps just lightly as his heart like one might tap something to see if it's working.

Manifesting as a person with a real form and feelings sure is a lot to figure out and Hizen is very much still learning.)

[ heartbroken. as a western wizard, that's always sad to see. they advocate for love no matter in what form, no matter how beautiful or twisted it is, and shylock is no exemption to it.

he stands up from his seat, walks around the table until he's hovering over hizen, hand reaching down to gently place a palm onto the sword's heart. ]

Does it make you want to cry?

(He looks up to see if Shylock is leaving but it's the opposite. The next thing he knows, Shylock is in front of him and when he touches his heart, it feels like it stops. It feels like it stops and drops into that emptiness he always feels.)

What?

(He sounds confused. He looks confused. But his eyes, usually dark and lacking in light, seem brighter.)

[ initially shylock had expected him to react like a cat who was unexpected touched in the stomach -- you know, with retaliation. but he's relieved that hizen didn't react badly, and so he comes closer until he's right behind hizen, palm still resting on top of hizen's beating heart.

is it going fast? maybe steady as ever. the intensity doesn't matter right now, so long as it continues beating. ]

Does Mr. Norimune not know about all this? [ is... shylock the first one to know...? ] If so, you were carrying this weight on your heart the entire time.

Swords aren't meant to carry that much weight, It should be the other way around, where they are carried by their masters themselves. And yet they'd both let go of you for presumably more personal reasons. [ a pause, as he continues on with closed eyes and a soothing voice. ] It doesn't mean that they don't love you, Hizen. In fact, I'm sure they love you with all they have. But sometimes it's not enough.

Sometimes... it's okay to be angry. Everyone deserves to be loved, after all. Even if you don't think you do.

(His heart beats quickly, anxious and worked up with so much energy like it could just burst at any moment. Even if Hizen himself is stunned and still, it's his heart that betrays him. It's always the heart. It's always that thing that feels the most and overwhelmed them all when they were first summoned.)

Norimune-- (He hasn't talked. Norimune has been patient and good to Hizen, not pressing when he arrived at his doorstep and asked to stay. There'd be a teasing quip to let him know it was fine and Norimune had left Hizen to process and cope on his own.) He didn't...

(And his breath catches. He hiccups and his throat feels tight. He brings one hand up to loosen the bandages around it as if that will relieve some of the pressure but he knows this feeling. He felt it when Izo told him to leave. He felt it when Ryouma told him to be quiet. He'd felt it when he spoke to Shylock behind his bar in the early parts of the turf war. He knows this feeling but doesn't at the same time.

He thinks about what Shylock asked. Does he want to cry? He doesn't know. He's never cried before. He's seen people cry before, he knows what it's like but... he's never...)

I don't... (His voice shakes and his tongue trips over itself.) I'm not good. I'm not.

That's why... (He blinks. What's wrong with his eyes? He feels like he's tunneling and everything is so blurry--) Everyone... (He breathes,) Why no one really... wants me.

[ the dam is about to burst, and shylock is here to take the full brunt of it. he won't force hizen to do anything he doesn't want to though, even if he's already pushed the poor sword to his limits already. so he starts with massaging his fingers in hizen's hair, making soothing circles in his scalp as he leans down to console him in the gentlest voice he can muster.

shylock's heard all of this before. from chloe, most especially, prone to tears as he is due to his abusive upbringing that had left him bereft of love and attention. that's what hizen's going through right now as well -- as a killer's sword, there was no room for love in his line of work. of course he wants to love and be loved. it's only natural, even for a weapon being given corporeal form and not knowing what to do with its newfound feelings. ]

Hizen. That's not true, and you know it. If anything, you're so aware of it that you do not know what to do with it.

[ simple as that. ]

The favor you made for all of us in town after that catastrophe, followed by the countless praises you'd received on the network -- that's more than enough proof that you're loved from all over. Moreover... you mentioned that Mr. Izou would fix you over and over just to keep using you over every weapon he had. That, too, is a form of love.

[ he gently presses his hand onto hizen's chest, where his heart is beating under his palm. ]

You may deny it as many times as you like, but you are so loved, Hizen. Some people choose to express it in roundabout ways, just as how you chose to express yours as well. And I'm sure... those two men have loved you too, in their own way.

(He tenses, instinctively prickling at even more touch otherwise doesn't move. A completely captive audience, he listens and feels the need turn the words back. If he accepts them, that makes it all real and he doesn't want want to think about it.)

He said I was good. 'S why... he always took care of me. Even when I was no good and broke he took care of me.

(It feels like it takes everything in him to string words together. It reminds him of the first time he was summoned when he found himself taking in his first breath and feeling his first words take form and sound from his mouth. )

Told me to leave in case... he lost himself again but...

(He can't even see anymore. His eyes feel hot and all he sees is a blur. He feels like he's holding something back and he raises his head just slightly to stop whatever is in his eyes from falling.

This all feels familiar to him. It's different but it reminds him so much of his first feelings when he was summoned.

The feeling of his heart pounding in his chest
The blood roaring in his ears
The way he feels like he can't even see
The way he just wants to reach out and grab a hold of something
Hearing words and trying to understand the meaning
Feeling the weight of his words in his mouth.
The way his chest rises and his breath shakes when he takes a breath
And finally... the way he felt like he could cry out.

It had all been so overwhelming and he hadn't understood it all at that moment but maybe... when he felt all of what it meant to be human-- to have humanity-- what he'd wanted to do was

what he wants to do right now is

what he does right now is

cry.)

[ and thus the truth comes out. that was a huge gamble in shylock's part, given the fact that he hadn't even met izou before, so he's quite relieved to hear that that man really did care for hizen in his own way. really, he's starting to think that tosa men are incapable of being honest with one another...

still, even twisted people needed to breathe. hizen may not think he's anything good, but this realm will prove him wrong over and over. even his own actions will betray him inevitably. that's just how it is when given life -- it's full of contradictions.

shylock won't shush him or anything like that. hizen is not a baby, despite it being his first time shedding tears. instead he pats and strokes his head in a comforting pace, encouraging him to let it all out if he has to. must be super stressful if this is his first time crying his heart out, so just... take your time. shylock is and will always be here, even at the end of the world. ]

(It's quiet. He doesn't wail or cry out but he does gasp and hiccup quietly as he tries to collect himself. The fact that he can't make himself stop is distressing in its own way and what wells up inside him is a sense of frustration because he can't control his own stupid emotions. Still, the dam is broken and everything comes spilling out.

He knows what's happening. He understands that he's crying and he understands that this is something people do when they feel certain things. He understands that he was also feeling those things and he understands that this is what he needs but he wishes he could make it stop.

After a few moments, he raises his hands to his face and begins to wipe at his eyes. The quiet sobbing quiets down to just a few sniffles, and he wipes at his face with the back of his hand. If he speaks now, he knows his voice will betray him so he tries to catch his breath and regain his composure.

He lets out a shaky breath and manages,)

... Tired.

(He's tired. After crying, he feels like he could just ditch this form and sleep for a week but he's still keeping it together.)

[ ...oh. in that case, shylock will take back his inner comments about hizen not being a baby. crying his heart out and then getting tired from that is childlike in a way -- but that's normal for anyone who hasn't cried in ages. or like, ever. ]

Drink some tea, it'll help.

[ should be cooled off by now. here, he'll get his handkerchief from his pocket and hand it to hizen. give it back to him next time they met, okay. ]

After that, join me in the living room sofa. I shall help you get some well-deserved sleep.

[ hope hizen likes lap pillows-- ]

(He isn't a baby he just hasn't cried ever in 500 years ok.

Even if the handkerchief is placed in his hand, he doesn't use it. He's perfectly content to just wipe at his face and eyes with the backs of his hand still. Occasionally, a hiccup escapes him as if he still hasn't completely gotten himself together but he's determined to be better. )

'm fine. (He isn't. But he's better than he was.) Jus`... don't worry about it.

You should go. Kept ya long enough...

(He doesn't want to bother Shylock anymore.)

[ take it anyway. it'd be impolite not to do so. but seriously, shylock's going to push hizen's cup of tea towards him an inch. at least drink something? ]

Not until I'm sure that you're resting. Come on.

[ if not, shylock will go ahead and walk over to the sofa, sit on it, and pat his own lap twice. this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing, hizen!! ]

(Fine, he'll take it but he still won't use it. He's fine. Really.

At least he takes a sip from his tea and it does help to have something cool after feeling so worked up. He feels warm from all of his feelings spilling over like that.

He'll follow Shylock into the living room, wrapping his bandages around his neck a little more since he'd undone them slightly earlier. It's the first step to trying to return to normal. He hovers in the doorway for a moment, just staring at Shylock on the couch. A part of him wants to snap that he isn't a child but after crying like one, he knows he doesn't have much of a leg.)

You're real annoying sometimes, y'know that?

(There isn't any bite but he means it. As much as Hizen lets him get away with things he normally wouldn't let others... Shylock still has his annoying quirks. He'll come over and sit next to Shylock, hesitate just a moment, and lay down. He makes sure to not look up, though. He doesn't want to look at Shylock. He doesn't want to be seen.)

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breweries - 2022-08-08 11:31 (UTC) - Expand